"Any child's worst nightmare is living his parents' unlived life" Carl Jung
Parents often expect their children to reach a dream, they never could. More often than not, this is an unconscious act by the parents and not done on purpose. However, it still burden their children beyond measure. These children constantly get the message that they will not be accepted it they become their true self. Children are born with the little seeds of their true self already deeply planted in their own psyche (soul). Parents' work is to identify these in their children, by observing when their children experience flow. Children need to get the message from young that their true soul seeds will not be stolen by the dreams of anyone else or their parents' expectations. Not allowing a child's true self to naturally unfold as he/she grows up, implies rejection. Rejection from a parent is the most adverse psychological trauma any child can experience. It might take a lifetime to recover from this wound.
Ways in which a parent live their unlived life through their children:
- Expecting a child to fit into a fixed mold that was decided on before the child was born
- Repeatedly telling a child what their dream for the child is
- Getting upset when a child's natural talents do not fit into society's standard of what is acceptable
-Comparing a child to a sibbling that does comply with the parent's expectation
-Communicating verbally or non-verbally that a child's true self is not acceptable
-Scapegoating the unacceptable child - in others words, projecting everything that goes wrong in the family on this specific child
-Repeatedly telling a child what your dreams for the child is and refusing to listen when a child wants to share their own dream
-Punishing a child by for example ignoring a child for days, if he/she does not act in the way or perform in activities or academics as expected
- Not acknowledging their own shadow and growth areas and as a result of this not understanding that a child acts out as a way of carrying their parent's unintegrated shadow
-Only agreeing to pay for a child's studies if the child choose a study field the parents approves
-Continuously telling a child that they will not cope emotionally if the child separate from them by growing up or leaving the home
-Inducing incongruent guilt in a child, by constantly accusing them of being the cause of a parent's unhappiness
-Sacrificing yourself as a parent to such an extent that a child feels guilty when he/she is happier, having a more satisfying life or friends that the parent (s)
What to do instead
- make time for your child - listen to his/her own dreams
- do not see your child through your dreams
- look for the soul seeds of flow in your child since young
- do not compare your child with anyone
- live and reclaim your own unlived life, so that your children can be free to live theirs
- become aware of your own shadow and parts in your psyche that needs healing, instead of projecting that on your child
- do not sacrifice yourself to such an extent for your child, that he/she constantly feel guilty - be good to yourself as a parent and nurture yourself when necessary
- show your child that you will cope and still have a life when he/she leaves home